Dare To Be A Parent! Is It Alright To Make Mistakes?
Article from the book “Våga vara” by Jana Söderberg translated by Kicki Hansard
If there is one thing that I would wish for today’s parents, it is that they take some of the pressure off to be perfect. It seems like having children has become an area where many parents are desperately fighting against a “zero mistake” philosophy. Parenthood has become a dangerous balancing act between their own, their family’s, friend’s and society’s colliding expectations. As if that wasn’t enough, parents today are drowning in numerous contradicting advice on how to raise the perfect child. Just as we come to terms with the guilt of not spending enough time with our children, someone throws the phrase “curling parenting” after us.
It is completely acceptable to talk negatively about our place of work, our marriages or other areas of our lives. As soon as we move on to our children and parenthood, the openness stops. “We are talking about a part of me…” I hear parents say. To admit problems as a parent very often feels like admitting personal failure. Who hasn’t at some point, during a long dinner, listened to parents who try to impress each other with stories about their problem free children? You drift off into a silence and with horror think back to the many battles that has taken place at your house during the last week. This is a time to ask yourself the follow question:
• Who do I want to be as a parent?
• What kind of relationship do I want to have with my child?
• What are my strengths as a mum or dad?
• What do I want to give my child growing up?
If we listen too much to others, we will in the end loose the most valuable thing we have when it comes to the connection with our children – our very own intuition and imagination. Our inner voice and instinct that tells us what our child wants or needs. Instead we constantly beat ourselves up and preserve a feeling of never being good enough. Raising children can’t, and should never become standardised. All children and parents are individuals with their own personal needs. It is this we need to nurture, not just for ourselves, but for our children too. Otherwise we will create uniformed little soldiers, prepared for fitting into different social constellations but unable to discover their own identities.
I read somewhere: “A child is a book that we should both write in and read from”. I thought about it for a while and then I realised that it is the “writing” we worry about the most. What about the “reading”? We often wonder how to set boundaries, how to praise our child or handle anger more constructively. But how often do we ask ourselves: “What can I learn from this child? Why do I react so strongly when s/he does this?” Every child has so much to give and to teach us, if we only could take a step back and “read”. Listen to children reflecting on stress, adulthood and relationships and you will know what I mean.
To make mistakes – what is wrong with that? Is it not from just these moments that we learn the most? A few years back I was adamant to teach my daughter to ride the bike without stabilisers. Scared and irritated she was sitting on the bike, refusing to listen to me. In my frustration I blurted out: “But Lisa, look at your friend Anna. She is one year younger than you and…..!” You don’t need much imagination to finish my sentence of this very “motivational” pep talk. Lisa got off the bike and ran up to her room. A bit later we were sitting at the kitchen table having biscuits and milk. All of a sudden, she took my hand and said: “Mummy, it is great that Anna can ride her bike, but that doesn’t mean I should know how to do it.” Who was raising who in that moment? Proud, surprised and full of shame I cuddled my child and could not find any other words than: “You are right honey, I’m sorry”. Two weeks later she was riding her bike without stabilisers. One thing I will never forget is the “contract” we entered at the kitchen table. Her sense of pride when I asked for forgiveness and her delight that I had shown her respect.
When you end up in a conflict with your child, always make sure that you have some time afterwards to reflect together on what happened. It is never too late to ask for forgiveness. No one is perfect and no one is expected to be perfect either. What we need in society today are parents who can recognise their weaknesses and mistakes. An honest “I’m sorry” can be the key to finding each other again and it is never too late.
